by Fr. George Morelli | 3/15/2007

Christian marriage is an exalted vocation. Marriage, as the Apostle Paul taught, replicates the relationship between Christ and the Church where Christ is the Bridegroom and the Church the Bride. Bridegrooms are called to love and care for their bride with selfless commitment. “Husbands love your wives,” St. Paul wrote, “as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:21).

Love is relational, and the icon of pure and undefiled love is the relationship between the Persons of the Holy Trinity (Father, Son, Holy Spirit). We catch glimpses of the nature of this love because it overflows to mankind, particularly in the self-sacrifice of Christ on the Cross. St. Paul described this love as kenotic (self-emptying), particularly when Christ forsook the prerogatives of divinity to assume human nature in order to save mankind. The love was so certain, so sure, and so complete, that it led to His death on our behalf.

In Christian marriage, authentic and true love seeks to replicate the type of self-sacrifice Christ revealed to us when He became man and dwelt among us (and which is still expressed today in Christ’s faithfulness to His Church). Self-sacrificial love conforms to the Great Commandment to love our neighbor more highly than ourselves in so doing we also love and honor God (Matthew 25:36-40, 1 John 4:19-21). This kind of love between husband and wife, even if imperfectly practiced and not always realized, constitutes what St. John Chrysostom called the “small church” and as such ensures the health and stability of the family in raising children (Chrysostom, Homily XX).

These lessons are affirmed in the Orthodox wedding service. In one part of the ceremony the Holy Spirit is invoked to: “Unite them in one mind and one flesh, and grant unto them fair children for education in thy faith and fear … ” The spiritual goal of marriage is never divorced from the parental vocation. Love, when properly understood, is always directed toward the neighbor, first to the spouse and then to the children.

Problems in Marriage: Entitlement
The Evil One relentlessly seeks to corrupt the love of Christ. Marriage and family, because of the complexity and immediacy of the social relationship, is a fertile field for such corruption. In case we think the potential for spiritual corruption is overstated, consider that it can happen between Christ and His Church as well. St. Paul reminded the Corinthian church: “I betrothed you to Christ to present you as a pure bride to her one husband. But I am afraid that as the serpent deceived Eve by his cunning, your thoughts will be led astray from a sincere and pure devotion to Christ” (1 Corinthians 11: 2-3). If the Church can defile its communion with Christ, we certainly can defile our communion with one another.

One subtle corruption is the feeling of entitlement (Morelli, 2006a). Entitlement is when the spouse or parent feels they deserve love, companionship, happiness, honesty, obedience, etc. Entitlement works hand in hand with expectations. When an event occurs in which one family member does not feel that others lived up to what was expected of them, feelings of anger and being used result.

From the outset, it should be noted that some events fulfill expectations that are desirable and often good. The problem occurs when the events themselves become a test of whether or not expectations are met. In clinical terms desirable preferences have transformed into demanding expectations where the failure to meet the preferences results in emotions (usually anger) that impairs the ability to attain desirable goals. Often the resolution to this conflict is to change the goals. In fact, what is really needed is a shift in perception from demanding expectations back to desirable goals.

A few examples may help us understand entitlement. A mother feels entitled to love and respect from her daughter: “After all I am her mother.” A father feels his son should listen and take his advice: “I am the father; he should listen and do what I tell him.” The same is true of a husband and wife: “I am his wife; he should … ” or “I am her husband; she should … ” When family members do not meet our expectations we may feel the right to be angry. Alternatively, we may feel that we are unworthy because our expectations are not met and respond by feeling angry, depressed, etc. Either way, any one consumed by these emotions will not be very good at bringing about the outcomes they would like (Morelli, 2006d).

The key here to understanding entitlement is to see the word “title” imbedded in the larger word. Whenever we make a demand based on our title (eg: father, mother, husband, wife, etc.) we operate from an entitlement perspective. The solution is to realize that a title is no guarantee of specific behaviors.

The antidote to demanding expectations is to develop preferences for and about our family members based on love, that is, preferring the good and welfare of spouse and child, i.e, preferring rather than demanding that children honor their father and mother, or preferring the mutuality of love and respect between spouses. Instead of conceptualizing our expectations in terms of an entitlement, we can frame them as invitation that others may accept in order to help themselves.

Our Lord never forced anyone by using His title. Instead, He recognized that obedience and respect are freely given. In the same way the recognition that all people freely offer obedience and cooperation lifts preferences above a battle of the wills because the demanding expectation is diminished. People often “dig in” when they feel coerced into particular behaviors because they feel they need to save face and protect their self-identity.

How can spouses and parents forego demanding expectations and still bring about desirable behavior among family members? First of all, spouses and parents are more likely to be effective in bringing about the desirable preferences they seek if they are not consumed by anger and depression. (Morelli, 2005c, 2006c,d). Second, the most effective way of bringing about appropriate family goals is to state the desires clearly and the consequences if the desires are not met (Morelli, 2005b, 2006b). Although Jesus did not use His title to coerce certain behaviors, He was clear about the consequences of heeding or not heeding His words.

Take the example of a child speaking disrespectfully to his father to understand how the lesson of this parable could be applied. In the framework of demanding expectations, the parent could be expected to respond to the disrespect in emotional terms, probably anger perhaps even a tirade because his title of father is not acknowledged properly.

A more measured and ultimately more constructive approach is to step aside from the entitlement and the demanding expectation it engenders and state the problem in terms of desirable expectations. The father could say, “We do not talk like that to one another, you were told before if you said that disrespectful word, you would not be able to watch TV tonight, so tonight there will be no television, tomorrow you can try again.” Consequences, not emotional outbursts that result from disappointed entitlements, bring about desirable behavior changes and strengthen family life.

The Orthodox Christian marriage and family vocation is to be a spouse and parent in the imitation of Christ. Entitlement is the subtle work of the Evil One and undermines and may even destroy the unity necessary to meet the goals of this divine vocation. Direct, teach, and most importantly love your spouse and family with intelligence, mercy, forgiveness, in the same way that Christ loves His Church.

HT: OrthodoxyToday

“They [homosexuals] should have the benefits and civil rights of the state, but this is not a sacramental union our church will ever sanctify,” he said. “But civil marriage, in the spirit of American democracy, they have the right to ask for that.”

These positions seem to present a fair and reasonable perspective that maintains a balance between the Orthodox Church’s unwavering support for traditional marriage and her absolute rejection of all homosexual unions, and the secular and democratic society we live in. On closer inspection however, the reality of such moderated and accommodating views exposes a danger that may not have been considered when such support was given for these legalized civil unions.

These positions seem to present a fair and reasonable perspective that maintains a balance between the Orthodox Church’s unwavering support for traditional marriage and her absolute rejection of all homosexual unions, and the secular and democratic society we live in. On closer inspection however, the reality of such moderated and accommodating views exposes a danger that may not have been considered when such support was given for these legalized civil unions.

Developments in the Catholic Church over the last few years confirm that advocating for any legislative support of legalized civil unions that have similar legal standing to traditional marriages is unwise. Even if, in the beginning, such secular civil unions do not have the full bundle of societal “rights” that marriages enjoy, it will not take long for our legal system to grant them such protections and privileges.

Looking at what has already happened in states like Massachusetts and recently in Washington D.C. with Catholic Charities, one of the nation’s oldest adoption and foster-care placement agencies, gives us a hint of what can and will occur. Catholic Charities was forced to cease operations when their adoption services were deemed discriminatory to homosexuals because of Massachusetts and Washington D.C.’s same-sex “marriage” laws. Faced with prosecution by the state unless it compromised its religious beliefs, this Christian organization closed its social services operations, ending an 80-year history of helping vulnerable children in need of traditional parents and families. The Catholic News Agency reports:

“Although Catholic Charities has an 80-year legacy of high quality service to the vulnerable in our nation’s capital, the D.C. Government informed Catholic Charities that the agency would be ineligible to serve as a foster care provider due to the impending D.C. same-sex marriage law,” […]

“Foster care has been an important ministry for us for many decades. We worked very hard to be able to continue to provide these services in the District,” said Ed Orzechowski, president and CEO of Catholic Charities D.C. “We regret that our efforts to avoid this outcome were not successful.” […]

The D.C. City Council’s law recognizing same-sex “marriage” required religious entities which serve the general public to provide services to homosexual couples, even if doing so violated their religious beliefs. Exemptions were allowed only for performing marriages or for those entities which do not serve the public.

While at first glance these legalized civil unions do not appear to hurt anyone or interfere with the Christian Church’s mission, in at least two instances we see the devastating consequences of the state demanding that Christian institutions place children in same-sex “families” in direct violation of the doctrines of the Church and the member’s religious beliefs and practices.

“To operate in Massachusetts, an adoption agency must be licensed by the state. And to get a license, an agency must pledge to obey state laws barring discrimination—including the decade-old ban on orientation discrimination. With the legalization of gay marriage in the state, discrimination against same-sex couples would be outlawed, too.”

The closures of Catholic Charities hurt not only the countless innocent children that will no longer be placed in traditional families, but also the many couples that wanted to adopt these children and would have raised them in a home with a mother and a father.

Once such civil unions are given any legal standing, other states and even the federal government will quickly follow the legal precedents set in Massachusetts and DC. The state can then compel all religious institutions that support traditional marriage in their social services to either recognize same-sex unions and act contrary to their religious and moral beliefs, or cease operations altogether. These legalized civil unions are the unfortunate stepping stones the state has and will use to promote an anti-Christian and anti-traditional marriage agenda to the society at large, to the detriment of innocent children and traditional couples looking to adopt.

Resources

Banned in Boston

Same-sex ‘marriage’ law forces D.C. Catholic Charities to close adoption program

Catholic Charities Adoptions

HT: OrthodoxNet Blog

Orthodox Anti-Abortion Icon

by Fr. Demetrios Carellas | 3/19/2010

“And He said to them, ‘This kind can come forth by nothing, except by prayer and fasting.’” (Mark 9:29)

As a Greek Orthodox priest, I am compelled – in the Holy Name of our Lord Jesus – to rebuke and renounce this Bill as being demonic. Although there might be some good things within the Bill, they are totally negated by the presence of this ungodly attempt to make every working American culpable to the blood of these precious little ones, who are being slaughtered by the thousands– for PROFIT – everyday of the year! Would you drink a glass of the most expensive bottled water, if you knew that a drop of deadly poison had been placed in it? Of course not! You would dispose of the entire contents, and get a new bottle that contained no deadly additive.

In like manner, the entire health care bill must be scrapped; and the process of health care reform must start over with a fresh “bottle” — untainted by the deadly “poison” of government funded abortions.

[...]

Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ said those words to His disciples, when they asked Him why they were unable to expel the demonic spirit from the man’s son. I firmly believe that we have a similar situation today in our Nation. It is the goal of the party in power to have signed into law by March 22, 2010 a national health care bill, which would permit the use of taxpayers’ dollars to fund abortion on demand. While there are many other things in this health care bill that should cause us much concern (in addition to the fact that the majority of the people in Congress have not even fully read the bill!), the ‘keystone’ of this Bill’s foundation is to – in essence – make the killing of pre-born children a part of the very fabric of our Society. As one person stated, if this becomes law, then the pro-abortion movement, will have finally acquired its “Holy Grail”: using tax dollars to pay for abortions.

In the past few weeks, I am sure that – like me – you have received daily requests, from several well-meaning groups, to call, fax, and/or write your Congressional Representatives; and tell them to vote no against the health care bill. While this is a noble effort, I do not believe that it will be successful in ‘casting out this demon.’ No, my dear brothers and Sisters in Christ, “this kind can come forth by nothing, except prayer and fasting.” I believe that you and I must pray and fast, so that the Lord Himself will stop this satanic bill from becoming a satanic
Law.

The Orthodox Church is in a period of fasting, in preparation for our Lord’s awesome Passion and glorious Resurrection. Therefore, we are not eating meat, dairy products or fish at the present time. If you are not Orthodox, I encourage you to join with us in observing this fast. Those who are healthy may wish to – in addition – eliminate at least one meal a day as well. However, fasting without prayer has no power. Therefore, we must get on our knees everyday; and beg our Lord to cast out this demonic bill, which the evil one is using to destroy our Nation!

Orthodox Anti-Abortion Icon

At the 9th hour of the day (3 PM), our Lord “gave up His spirit.” God willing, I hope to be in prayer – on my knees, if at all possible – at 3 PM everyday, until our Lord delivers us from this evil. Of course, I will continue offering the prayer at Noon (the Rachel’s Prayer at Noon Revolution, which I sent to you a month ago), for our Lord Jesus to remove forever the legalization of these murders. However, I feel this 9th hour prayer demands my immediate response — hopefully, only for a very short time. Below is a prayer that I pray was given to me, in spite of my filth and unworthiness, by the Holy Spirit. You are welcome to use it, or simply offer your personal, heart-centered entreaty.

When the people of Nineveh were told by Prophet Jonah that God was preparing to destroy their city, they all immediately prayed and fasted; and God spared them. Is it not time for us to imitate them, my dear brothers and sisters in Christ?

With much love and prayers for all of you in Christ Jesus,

+Fr. Demetrios

Bending the knee of my heart before Thee, I beg Thee, O my Jesus, overlook the filth and evil so prevalent within Thy sinful slave; and do not permit this bill to pass. And grant that this victory be but the forerunner to an even greater victory: the obliteration forever of the law that legalized the murders of these tiny living ikons of Thee! O my Life-Giver and my Redeemer, O my Most-Sweet Lord Jesus, glory be to Thee! Amen.

The Declaration opens:

We are Orthodox, Catholic, and evangelical Christians who have united at this hour to reaffirm fundamental truths about justice and the common good, and to call upon our fellow citizens, believers and non-believers alike, to join us in defending them. These truths are (1) the sanctity of human life, (2) the dignity of marriage as the conjugal union of husband and wife, and (3) the rights of conscience and religious liberty…We make this commitment not as partisans of any political group but as followers of Jesus Christ, the crucified and risen Lord, who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.

The three issues that Declaration signers see as preeminent and the rationale for opposition:

Human Life

The lives of the unborn, the disabled, and the elderly are ever more threatened. While public opinion has moved in a pro-life direction, powerful and determined forces are working to expand abortion, embryo-destructive research, assisted suicide, and euthanasia…We pledge to work unceasingly for the equal protection of every innocent human being at every stage of development and in every condition. We will refuse to permit ourselves or our institutions to be implicated in the taking of human life and we will support in every possible way those who, in conscience, take the same stand.

Marriage

The institution of marriage, already wounded by promiscuity, infidelity and divorce, is at risk of being redefined and thus subverted. Marriage is the original and most important institution for sustaining the health, education, and welfare of all. Where marriage erodes, social pathologies rise. The impulse to redefine marriage is a symptom, rather than the cause, of the erosion of the marriage culture. It reflects a loss of understanding of the meaning of marriage as embodied in our civil law as well as our religious traditions…Marriage is not a “social construction,” but is rather an objective reality—the covenantal union of husband and wife—that it is the duty of the law to recognize, honor, and protect.

Religious Liberty

Freedom of religion and the rights of conscience are gravely jeopardized…Attacks on religious liberty are dire threats not only to individuals, but also to the institutions of civil society including families, charities, and religious communities. The health and well-being of such institutions provide an indispensable buffer against the overweening power of government and is essential to the flourishing of every other institution—including government itself—on which society depends.

With these three issues in mind, and aware of the secularist undermining of tradition and culture, the signers resolved:

Unjust Laws

As Christians, we believe in law and we respect the authority of earthly rulers. We count it as a special privilege to live in a democratic society where the moral claims of the law on us are even stronger in virtue of the rights of all citizens to participate in the political process. Yet even in a democratic regime, laws can be unjust. And from the beginning, our faith has taught that civil disobedience is required in the face of gravely unjust laws or laws that purport to require us to do what is unjust or otherwise immoral. Such laws lack the power to bind in conscience because they can claim no authority beyond that of sheer human will.

Therefore, let it be known that we will not comply with any edict that compels us or the institutions we lead to participate in or facilitate abortions, embryo-destructive research, assisted suicide, euthanasia, or any other act that violates the principle of the profound, inherent, and equal dignity of every member of the human family.

Further, let it be known that we will not bend to any rule forcing us to bless immoral sexual partnerships, treat them as marriages or the equivalent, or refrain from proclaiming the truth, as we know it, about morality, marriage, and the family.

Further, let it be known that we will not be intimidated into silence or acquiescence or the violation of our consciences by any power on earth, be it cultural or political, regardless of the consequences to ourselves.

We will fully and ungrudgingly render to Caesar what is Caesar’s. But under no circumstances will we render to Caesar what is God’s.

Orthodox signers of the original Declaration include:

• Metr. Jonah Paffhausen Primate, Orthodox Church in America (Syosset, NY)
• His Grace, The Right Reverend Bishop Basil Essey The Right Reverend Bishop of the Diocese of Wichita and Mid-America (Wichita, KS)
• Fr. Chad Hatfield Chancellor, CEO. And Archpriest, St Vladimir’s Orthodox Theological Seminary (Yonkers, NY)
• Fr. Johannes L. Jacobse President, American Orthodox Institute and Editor, OrthodoxyToday.org (Naples, FL)
• Fr. Patrick Reardon Pastor, All Saints’ Antiochian Orthodox Church (Chicago, IL)
• Fr. Alexander F. C. Webster, Ph.D. Archpriest, Orthodox Church in America; Professorial Lecturer, The George Washington University (Ashburn, Va.)

You can sign the declaration on the Manhattan Declaration website.

From OCA News:

NEW YORK, NY (OCA Communications) – His Beatitude, Metropolitan Jonah, Primate of the Orthodox Church in America, and the Very Rev. Chad Hatfield, Chancellor of Saint Vladimir’s Seminary, were among some 125 US religious leaders who signed a 4,700-word declaration addressing the sanctity of life, traditional marriage, and religious liberty here recently.

The statement, known as the “Manhattan Declaration: A Call of Christian Conscience,” issues “a clarion call” to Christians to adhere to their convictions and informs civil authorities that the signers will not “under any circumstance” abandon their Christian consciences. The text of the declaration, which already has generated considerable controversy, was released on Friday, November 20, 2009.

“The Manhattan Declaration is the result of several months of dialogue among Orthodox, Catholic, and evangelical Christian leaders culminating in a gathering of approximately 100 leaders in New York City on September 28, 2009,” Catholic News Agency [CNA] reports. “Attendees considered an early draft… but the document was entrusted to a drafting committee.”

“We are Christians who have joined together across historic lines of ecclesial differences to affirm our right—and, more importantly, to embrace our obligation—to speak and act in defense of these truths,” the Declaration reads. “We pledge to each other, and to our fellow believers, that no power on earth, be it cultural or political, will intimidate us into silence or acquiescence.

“We recognize the duty to comply with laws whether we happen to like them or not, unless the laws are gravely unjust or require those subject to them to do something unjust or otherwise immoral,” the signatories explain.

But, CNA reports, they also made clear that “we will not comply with any edict that purports to compel our institutions to participate in abortions, embryo-destructive research, assisted suicide and euthanasia, or any other anti-life act; nor will we bend to any rule purporting to force us to bless immoral sexual partnerships, treat them as marriage or the equivalent, or refrain from proclaiming the truth, as we know it, about morality and immorality and marriage and the family.”

The signatories explained that they speak now because in order “to defend principles of justice and the common good that are now under assault.”

“We will fully and ungrudgingly render to Caesar what is Caesar’s, but we will under no circumstances render to Caesar what is God’s.”

. . . more